Cats Cats Cats
by the one a.m. writer
Summary: There are some fuzzy problems in the bunker, and both of them are named Castiel. Kind of a crack fic. Destiel! Sabriel! T is for Dean's potty mouth!


_READ FOR INFO ABOUT ONE OF THE LINES IN THE STORY: the concept of projecting, in psychology, is seeing your own internal desires or traits in other people, or imagining other people have those traits. Look, just look it up…_

 _UPDATE: OMFG I am so embarrassed. I'm sorry. I accidentally indicated that 2+2 does not equal 4. Good lord. I am supposed to be acing precalculus. I fixed it._

* * *

"What happened to going out?" Dean asked, as Sam re-entered the bunker.

"Don't yell," Sam said.

"What, for tracking all that water in? It's fine, the floors aren't carpet. For not leaving?"

"Hear me out before you say anything," Sam said, so Dean spun away from the table and walked toward his brother, arms crossed and primed for shouting.

Sam held out his massive hands, cupped around something.

"What is it?"

A tiny, fuzzy thing popped out from between Sam's fingers. Dear fucking God, was that a _kitten?_

"SAM-!"

"Hear me out!" Sam shouted in reply, shoving the bedraggled piece of fuzz in front of Dean's nose. Dean recoiled. "His _eyes_ , Dean! Look! Look at them!"

"They're blue," Dean said, staring at his brother very judgingly.

"Who do they remind you of?"

"No one."

"That's a fucking lie."

"Cas."

"Thanks. Check this out."

Sam pulled his hand off the kitten. Immediately, it mewed and tried to burrow itself into Sam's fingers. "Stop it, you- There. Dean, look at his back."

"Funny markings."

"Come on, Dean. You're at _least_ smart enough to hunt."

"They look like wings, okay? Good job. You picked up a Cas doppelgänger kitten, and- I can't believe I just said those words. We aren't keeping the kitten because it reminds you of your angel boyfriend."

Sam frowned. "Dean, I think you're projecting."

"What?"

"Never mind. Hey, when was the last time you heard from Cas?"

"He said he had angel stuff and he, um." Dean cast a doubtful look at the kitten. "I'm gonna call him."

"You do that. I'm gonna dry cat-Cas off. Do you have a hairdryer?"

"I dunno, Samantha. Sounds like your thing."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

Dean started poking at his phone, and Sam escaped to Dean's bathroom and found a hairdryer. The kitten-Cas seemed to appreciate the hairdryer, and Sam didn't have to do much more than hold it while the kitten preened in front of it. He did have to be careful not to hold it too close, because the force of the air was enough to knock the tiny kitten over.

Dean stormed in and was not surprised to find Sam and the cat in his bathroom.

"He's not answering."

"Maybe he's in heaven."

Dean frowned. "Hey, Cas, who art in… either heaven or cat form, if you can, come over and say hi. Please?"

The kitten's ears perked up. He bounded over to Dean and licked the hand that rested on the counter.

"The _fuck-_ oh Jesus. It really is Cas, isn't it…"

Sam picked up the baby kitten and regarded it. It meowed at him.

"Well. Shit."

…

Kitten Cas appreciated meat in any form, but didn't seem to need a ton of it. Dean usually fed him whatever they were having. They were on their third day of research, and absolutely nothing in the bunker indicated turning an angel into a kitten.

Their research had, however, uncovered a pet-friendly room in the bunker. A book titled "Cattes and Dogges and Birdes of Oll Kindes and Their Compatriotes, the Menne of Letteres" proved to hold three things: a map, a key, and the message "You have been Tricked! I actually know how to spell. Sincerely, George" followed by the title, spelled correctly in modern English.

The map was of the bunker and led to a room which the key opened, revealing grass.

Magical grass, presumably. The door said "For Pets" on it and inside, there was a plaque dedicated to George for this "incredible work of magic." Sam plucked Cas, who'd taken to scaling either Winchester brother and perching on their shoulder, off his shoulder and set him in the grass.

Cas ate some grass.

Sam watched, bewildered, as the cat version of his friend chewed on a piece of grass that came up to his stomach. After he was done, he shot Sam a scathing look- perhaps he knew what Sam was thinking, that the cat could use the grassy area as a bathroom. Then he climbed back on Sam.

After that, however, the kitten could be seen trotting down that same hallway periodically.

Cas slept on Dean's pillow. The first time he tried that, Dean protested his allergies, but it turned out that Dean was not allergic to the kitten. When Dean woke up sweating one night, Cas licked his face.

It startled Dean at first, but then turned out to be really soothing. So Cas stayed on the pillow.

Four days and zero progress later, Sam went out to the grocery store and once again returned empty-handed.

"Dean," he said, stricken.

"What?" Dean asked. "Don't tell me you have another kitten."

Sam wordlessly held out a slightly bigger, all-black cat with ice-blue eyes.

"What the _fuck._ "

With the sound of wings, the cat was on the ground.

"What the _FUCK._ What the _actual shitting fuck._ Son of a- what the _FUCK?!_ "

"It has grace," Sam pointed out uselessly.

"Cas?" Dean asked tentatively.

The cat meowed loudly.

"Is that you? One for yes and two for no."

One meow.

"Nope. Now I have to quiz a goddamn cat. Is 2 plus 2 five?" Dean asked.

Two meows.

"Is my name Dean Winchester?"

One meow.

"Do I drive a mustang?"

Two meows.

"Son of a bitch."

The cat mewed in agreement.

"Where's that other little bugger? HEY, TINY CAT CAS?" Dean shouted.

Tiny Cat Cas poked his head out of Sam's pocket and mewed accusingly.

"You're not also Cas."

The kitten mewed indignantly.

"Dammit! Meow three times if you're Castiel."

Both cats meowed three times.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

…

Both cats ended up with Cas-like treatment. It was clear that they liked each other, at least- it made this whole thing much easier. Bigger Cat Cas was often seen carrying around Small Cat Cas, whose legs were too short to go anywhere fast. Both Cat Casses slept on Dean's pillow.

"We can't call them both Cas," Sam exclaimed the next day.

Big Cat Cas jumped on the book Sam was reading and pawed at something on the page.

"Claire?"

The cat shook his head. He jumped off the book and padded over to Sam's laptop. He pawed at it until Sam retrieved it.

Somehow, with much exasperated meowing, they made it to Netflix and then _It's a Wonderful Life._

Dean made a small "oh" of understanding. "Clarence."

Sam frowned. "Clarence?"

"Clarence. Okay. You're Clarence."

The cat meowed happily.

Little Cat Cas came trotting back in, and made a beeline for Dean's pant leg. Dean seized him around the stomach and put him on his shoulder before he could feel the tiny claws.

"This one is Cas?"

Both cats meowed in agreement.

Dean sighed.

…

Clarence preferred Sam's shoulder, because Dean refused to hold him. He was too big. For a few more days, it wasn't uncommon to see both the Winchesters holding a feline companion.

"What do we do?" Sam asked helplessly.

"I don't know," Dean said. "Wait?"

Clarence licked Sam's ear.

"That's weird, Clarence."

Clarence jumped on the table and hit Sam's phone. When it did nothing, he did his best to push the power button, but only succeeded in scooting the phone across the table with his nose.

Sam turned the phone on.

Clarence batted the top of the phone, where the clock was.

"It's 12:34."

Clarence batted it again.

"Something else? Want me to unlock it?"

The cat shook its head.

"That's just the time, you furball," Dean said.

"Time?" Sam suggested lamely. To his surprise, Clarence started meowing. Loudly.

"Time?" Dean asked.

"Oh- give it time."

…

With this new revelation, Sam and Dean settled into their new life as cat owners. Neither really wanted to go on a hunt, but they took a little case nearby and arrived back to find both cats okay.

Clarence perked up suddenly, pausing in the middle of licking his paw. Cas felt it too, apparently. Both cats sat in the middle of the table, peering upward intently.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

Clarence nudged Cas. The little kitten fell over, and fell asleep.

"CAS!" Dean reached down, but Clarence hissed.

"Jesus. Fine."

Clarence pointed his nose to the door and side-eyed Sam. _Go,_ he seemed to say.

Sam frowned, and went.

Clarence fell asleep.

Sam opened the door. It was raining. Again. Was he about to pick up another cat?

Nope, he was about to see two angels.

"Want another one?" Gabriel asked, holding out a comatose Cas.

Sam screamed and whacked him on the head.

…

"Sorry!" Gabriel exclaimed, dragging in 2/3 of TFW unconscious.

"What. The living. What." Dean said, curse words failing him momentarily.

"It's your brother! And your angel! Look!"

Clarence and Cas padded over.

"What are they?" Dean asked.

"Time travel," Gabriel explained lamely. "But Cas isn't in there anymore. The big one'll respond to Clarence, but the little one would prefer Emmanuel."

"Why Emmanuel?"

"I don't know. He chose the name."

Dean recovered and shook his head. "Why are my brother and my- Cas- unconscious?"

Gabriel smirked.

"Oh, shut the hell up and answer my question."

"Sam hit me," Gabriel complained.

"So you…"

"Sleeped him. Cas is just tired. Here you go." Gabriel deposited the angel in Dean's arms. Surprised, Dean nearly fell over, but cats winding around his legs helped him keep steady.

Dean hoisted Cas so that the angel's head rested on his shoulder. Gabriel picked Sam up the same way, but Sam's feet dragged on the ground.

"Oh, just get him inside," Dean muttered.

Gabriel teleported Sam to the couch.

"Let me guess. You want a place to stay, too."

Gabriel shrugged.

"Dammit. We have a spare room next to Sam's."

Gabriel shrieked something just short of an angel's whine and hugged Dean around Cas. Dean unbalanced and did finally fall over, Gabriel teleported to Sam, and Cas woke up.

"Oh. Hi," said Cas, who was laying on Dean's chest.

The cats helpfully lifted Dean's head.

…

Sam woke up to find that it wasn't a dream, the Archangel Gabriel was sitting next to him chowing down on licorice and petting a cat, and his brother and Castiel were French kissing while laying down in the front entry way.

"YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ROOM!" Sam shrieked.

"So do I," Gabriel said helpfully.

"You what?"

"I have my own room here."

"Is there any reason you have to make everything suggestive, though?"

"Yes," Gabriel said, waggling his eyebrows.

…

"I don't know why we even bothered offering Gabriel a room," Dean said later.

Castiel shrugged.

The Dean and Cas room and the Sam and Gabe room were on opposite ends of the hall, and the cats who were once Castiel proudly paraded between them.

"Quite a welcome back, though," Castiel said.

Dean nodded.

* * *

 **The end. Yeeeee Okay so for those wondering, this is set in an AU. And Emmanuel-Cas never happened.**

 **Note from your author: write whatever you want tbh**


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